On May 3, 2017, the Lord decided that our third child was too precious for this earth and took him home to be with him in Paradise. To think that the first thing my baby saw was the face of Jesus is too amazing for my feeble mind to comprehend. Selfishly, I wanted MY face to be the first thing he saw, but God’s plans are not my plans and HE knows best… though sometimes I cannot understand his ways.

It’s been two months since our baby was born in Heaven. In that time, I’ve mourned more than I ever thought possible and allowed my heart to break into a million pieces. Sometimes God needs our hearts to be shattered, so that he can put it back into a more God-shaped form… one that is bent towards Him.

During the remaking of my heart, God gave me exactly what I needed to start healing. As I sat in the nursery, gently rocking and engulfed in the early morning light, I stumbled across Psalm 30.

11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee… Ok Lord. That is what you have for me. As I stared off into the distance, oblivious to what was around me, the wonderful truth began to settle into my soul. I do not need to know “why” this had to happen. God has given me MY reason. I know there are reasons beyond what my temporal mind can comprehend, but I know that MY reason is so that “my glory may sing praise to” HIM!

He is putting back together the pieces of my heart. There will forever be a little scar that is tender. Tender towards those who have suffered a miscarriage. Tender towards those who are hurting with unseen affliction. Tender to the pain in those around me. More… like… Christ.

Today as I belt out the melody that is in my heart and I prance around my house like a no one is watching… I know that someone IS watching: the one who put that song there.

Even on my darkest day, I found my lips quietly uttering:

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

Because HE has turned for me my mourning into dancing. HE has given me joy in the midst of unspeakable sorrow. He is my ROCK and I can “not be silent.”

I will “give thanks” to Him forever… I’m thankful for the life that grew inside of me. I’m thankful that my heart has become tenderer to the things that the Lord is tender towards. I’m thankful for the husband that held me through unspeakable pain. I’m thankful for the prayers of a little boy that we will “have another baby some day.” I’m thankful that Heaven just got a little sweeter.

As Elisabeth Elliot so eloquently put it, “ Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next.”

To think… some day, I will get to hold that sweet little baby. Some day just can’t come soon enough!

“ Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next.”