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My Word of the Year 2020

The past few days I’ve been trying on words like I would a new shirt in the fitting room. Each word fit right in certain places, accentuating certain aspects of my life, but none of the words I ‘tried on’ seemed to embody all the right areas. Like a shirt that has a great color but fits way too tightly in the hips, each word wasn’t what I wanted to bring home with me.

Then this morning as I read through my devotions, I picked up Mom Heart Moments by Sally Clarkson, and a word jumped off of the page and settled into the soft soil of my mother-heart. As I let it settle there, I felt it begin to take root and grow.

Cultivate.

Every goal that I have planned for this year has a purpose. I don’t want to read through my Bible this year for the purpose of saying that I did it, but rather to cultivate wisdom and a closer relationship with God. In doing so, I’m cultivating my heart and mind to be fixed on things above and to bring a true, honest, just, lovely and good report to my family.

I’m not working towards simplifying our home to be ‘trendy,’ but because I want to cultivate an environment of peace and joy. I don’t want things and schedules to take away from moments of connection and to create stress and business for no purpose.

Life ebbs and flows. There will be times of business, times of routine, and times of rest, and if I am cultivating a rhythm of simplicity and intentionality, those times will be filled with peace and joy unspeakable. The ‘stuff’ will be out of the way and the people and relationships will blossom. Even the hard, messy times are cultivating the soil for growth and connection.

When we strip away the distractions, we are able to cultivate wonder. In 2020, I have a goal to get my kids outside for 1000 hours. This is a lofty goal that isn’t meant to cause stress, but rather having something to press towards. Just as we are to ‘press toward the mark’ in our Christian walk because of the joy it brings us to reach for the best God has for us, we can pursue 1000 hours outside not for recognition or a certificate of completion but because we want to cultivate wonder, curiosity, and time with the Creator.

This year I don’t just want our family to grow, I want to cultivate a place we can THRIVE.

Not just happy but joy-FULL.
Not just be but becoming.
Not just here but present.
Not just grounded but blooming.
Not just see but experience.
Not just think but wonder.
Not just hear but listen.
Not just do but do for God’s glory.

These years are precious. Will you join me in cultivating your home to bring praise and honor His Holy Name?

Have a blessed 2020!

My Word of the Year 2019
My Word of the Year 2018
My Word of the Year 2017

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Peace – more than just a word

For the past few years, I’ve been choosing a word of the year. This word is something that I want to define my year. It’s something I feel that God has given me to strive for and meditate on throughout that year.

If you read my blog post at the beginning of 2018, you know that I wasn’t really sure what my word would be, but as I began to type and scripture verses came to mind, the word “peace” settled onto my heart. I thought it was supposed to be about speaking “peace” into my household… and in some respects it was… but I did not realize just how important that word would be for our family in 2018.

In February, my husband underwent an 8 hour surgery that involved his ear and brain. Despite not knowing the outcome, as I walked the halls of the hospital… I had peace.

Then when we welcomed our 3rd beautiful baby into the family, I could have been nervous about the transition (and to some extent I was), but there was an overwhelming peace in knowing that God picked that precious little soul just for us. Throughout the pregnancy, I prayed continuously that her addition would be a JOY to our family… and it was!

Just when we felt like life was starting to get back to a little bit of “normal” after my husband had recovered from his surgery and the new addition to our family started sleeping a little better, the hammer fell. Seemingly out of nowhere, my mother-in-law passed away.

Despite the fact that she suffered from severe rheumatoid arthritis, was in pain from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet daily and battled infections that would make most people unbearable to be around… she remained positive and always had a smile on her face. We didn’t know how bad it really was.

Early one morning, the infection that was in her leg attacked her weak and weary heart. She had fought for so long that her heart just couldn’t handle the pain any more… and our sweet mommy passed away.

This blow rocked our family. She was the heartbeat of the home. She was the one who planned every get-together, every holiday, every thoughtful gift. She was the one who was always a listening ear for the good as well as the bad. She was a wealth of wisdom because she read her Bible and prayed fervently every day. She was a warrior…

… and our God is a God of peace. She may have been the heartbeat of our family, but she was NOT what tied us all together. God was… God is!

We cried together. We prayed together. We loved on each other. We clung to our God. We asked for peace in the storm… and he gave it to us. Did it numb the pain? No. But it made it bearable. It gave us comfort knowing that we would see her again some day. It gave us strength when we had to walk the long aisle to say our last goodbyes. It gave us hope for tomorrow. Peace.

The next week… her mom died. At 99 years old, she left earth to spend eternity with her daughter walking the streets of gold. She may have lived a good, long life, but death is never easy.

One week later… my grandpa passed away. As he entered the last days of his life, he was able to hold my hand and tell me he loved me. Despite seeming to be losing his ability to recognize people, he held my daughter and told her, “I love you Cora.” My mom sat and sang him hymns as he fought for his last breaths here on earth, and when he was no longer with us… we cried. Then we laughed remembering that big teddybear of a man. Boy could he tell the best stories! You never knew if they were true or not until he got to the punchline.

Three deaths in three weeks. It would be fair if we let death define our year… and yet our year was marked with a peace that passes understanding instead.

As we sing, “When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say… it is well, it is well with my soul,” we smile… because we now know exactly what that peace really means.

“You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

Isaiah 26:3
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My Word of the Year 2019


Another year has come to a close. A year of unimaginable loss. A year of new life. A year of adjustments. A year of sacrifice. A year of collected moments.

When you experience life and death, you begin to realize the fragility of these days and years. As I watch my newborn baby turn more into toddler than baby, I see the days slipping by and realize that time is a thief, and as I remember my sweet mother-in-law, grandfather, and my husband’s grandmother, I am reminded to seize the day… we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

We are not guaranteed today… only this moment… and this one… and this one.

What am I going to do with this collection of moments I’ve been gifted? Am I going to live them to the fullest? Will I embrace the chaos, the love, the good, the bad, the ugly? Will I allow my heart to swell with the grace that has been shown to me and in turn show grace to those around me? Will I put down my distractions and embrace the beauty before my eyes? Will I be more present, more joyful, more intentional?

Intentionality.

That is my mantra for this new year…. Intentionality. I will be more intentional in my personal habits. I will be more intentional in the habits we are forming as a family. I will be more intentional in letting go of “what I want” and embracing what I’ve been given. I will be more intentional with my health: spiritually, physically, and mentally. I will be more intentional with my time, with my money, with my talents. I will prioritize my life in a way that only what is true, noble, right, lovely, excellent and praiseworthy are at the forefront of my thoughts and actions.

I will live in today. In THIS moment.

I will read a good book. I will snuggle my children. I will go on dates with my husband. I will pray more fervently. I will not allow that chaos of raising young children to steal my joy. I will laugh more, love more, sing more.

None of this is easy. Intentionality is not easy. There will be days that I will forget. There will be days that I get caught up in meaningless tasks and forget to love above all. There will be seasons that laughter and thankfulness won’t come easily.

But I will intentionally STRIVE for these things. I will seek God. I will allow his grace to fill me when I make mistakes. I will forgive others. I will forgive myself.

I will live 2019 intentionally. I will be a moments collector. I will live life as it was meant to be lived… with purpose.

My Word of the Year 2018
My Word of the Year 2017

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The Valley of Weeping

Dear mama,

I see you.

I see those tears that you shed over a sleepless night. I see those tears running down your cheeks as you talk to the Lord about your frustrations and desires. I see those tears of joy as you watch your child take his first step. I see those tears of aching as you drop your child off for his first day of school. I see those tears of pride as you watch your child walk down the aisle in her wedding dress. I see your tears of wonder as you hold your newborn grand baby in your arms.

I see you… because I’ve shed some of those same tears.

Too often we chide ourselves for being “silly” and wishing we were stronger. We brush away the silent tears that sneak down our cheeks and hope that no one saw. We cry out to God with groans of sadness over the sins of a child. Our pillow absorbs the silent tears that we cry at night because we feel like we aren’t good enough, haven’t done enough, said something we shouldn’t have, acted in anger and frustration.

But sweet mama… those tears aren’t for nothing.

You are filling your well.

Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee: in whose heart are the ways of them. Who passing through the valley of Baca make it a well.”
Psalms 84:5-6a

We all have our “valley of Baca” or our time of weeping.

But did you know dear mama that when the Lord is your strength and your heart desires the things of the Lord, your crying is filling a well?

Those tears aren’t just an outpouring…they are a filling.

They are filling your heart with a peace that passes understanding. They are flooding heaven with prayers of a sincere and honest heart. They are filling the space where words fail us. They are our memories floating down the river of time. They are the desire and emotions of a mother’s heart that fill our children with security, love and joy.

Your tears are not wasted… they are filling the well of life.

We pour out so much of ourselves. We grow weary. But it’s in those moments of weakness that we realize our own strength is insufficient. We let go of our selfish desires. We re-evaluate, re-commit, re-energize.

We pour out our sadness. We pour out our joy. We pour out our hurt. We pour out our emotions.

And in turn, we are filled with more of the Lord.

Weeping may come for the night, but joy will come in the morning. Pass through that valley of Baca, but don’t stay there. Fill your well and then use it to bless others.

Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee.”
Psalms 30:11-12a

Why do we cry? So that we can better praise the Lord. We can sing of his mercies, his grace, his peace. We can tell others of his great love and unending joy. We can speak of his countless blessing, of his immeasurable grace, his physical provision.

Weep and fill your well. Then lower that bucket, scoop up the living water, and share it with others.

The Valley of Baca

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Anticipating change

I have so many thoughts swirling through my head right now. Seriously, I’ve started 3 different blog posts on 3 TOTALLY different topics. I seem to start one and then find my mind landing on another path and soon I’m following that rabbit trail. Maybe it’s the pregnancy. Maybe it’s God’s leading. Maybe it’s just my way of getting what’s in my heart onto paper… a way of hashing out my thoughts.

But here I am less than two weeks from delivering our third baby. I feel like I should be preparing. I should be making meals, packing a hospital bag, or organizing closets. I could read all the “how to prepare for baby” posts on Google, but instead I find myself oddly… normal.

I vacuumed my floors like I always do on Mondays. I started our laundry… another Monday routine. I sat and watched the kids dig in the garden as I read my devotional book. I pulled the neighbor out of the mud (Thank goodness for a Gator with a winch!). I cleaned the kitchen, started the dishwasher and picked up the table. I made lunch like I always do and pulled meat out of the freezer for dinner. I put the kids down for their rest times, and here I sit.

Big changes seem to be like this. You FEEL like you should be doing something, but really, what is there to do? You anticipate the change, but then all of a sudden it’s here and life moves on. Life doesn’t stop for how you FEEL, and pretty soon you have a new normal.

I have moments where my heart starts to beat a little faster as the thought of going through labor crosses my mind. I have moments where I think, “Oh my goodness… we’re about to be outnumbered!” I have moments where I’m frantically cleaning all the bathrooms just in case baby decides to come today.

But then… I just shrug. It’s coming sooner or later. Change is like that.

Don’t get me wrong. I think we SHOULD prepare for change the best we can… but the worry… the fear… the uneasy feelings that sometimes surround change… those aren’t godly. “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” I do not need to “be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.”

Normal. God calls me to MY normal. I’m doing what I should be doing… preparing the best I can, taking a few extra moments to hold my “babies,” and continuing to do what God has called me to do (take care of my family).

We’ll do our grocery shopping tonight as a family, and if baby decides to come before then… thank goodness for Shipt shoppers!!

Until then… I’m enjoying the last few days of THIS normal and hope to embrace the NEW normal with open arms!

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Pardon the interruption

“She delighted in seeing her plan upset by unexpected events, saying that it gave her great comfort, and that she looked on such things as an assurance that God was watching over her stewardship, was securing the accomplishment of His will, and working out his own design.”
~ Janet Erskine Stuart

Interruptions.

I’m fairly certain that the life of a mother is just a series of interruptions. Heaven forbid you try to make a phone call. It’s inevitable that as soon as you hit “dial” the noise level in your house escalates several decibels. You THOUGHT the kids were playing nicely, but as soon as the operator on the other end answers after a 30 minute wait time, one of your kids takes a toy away and the other child is thrown into the pits of despair that results in shrieks that only hawks can replicate. You find yourself apologizing to the person on the phone and locking yourself in the bedroom trying to find a quiet place to talk. Pretty soon you see little fingers digging under the door and hear loud pounding and “Mommy!! Where are you!?!” (You THOUGHT the locked bedroom door would be obvious enough?!)

You’ve spent the morning frantically cleaning your house because the kids are playing nicely together. You are several months pregnant and find yourself exhausted. As you sit down for the briefest of seconds, one of your kids brings you a book and climbs into your lap. All you wanted was a few minutes to sit by yourself and scroll through social media for a moment, but instead you find yourself reading “Horton Hears a Who” for the 10th time that day.

After successfully getting both kids ready for the day, fed, clothed, and bathed… and you’ve done it all with a smile on your face. You decide to reward your efforts by sneaking a few chocolate chips from the cupboard. You look around and take in your surroundings. The coast is clear. You open the cupboard, pour a few chocolate drops of heaven into your hand and your heart is struck with sheer terror. “Mommy, what are you eating?” You are tempted to tell them “Nothing” and gulp down the chocolate chips as fast as you can, but you are teaching your children not to lie… so you fess up and share a few chocolate chips with your kids. How can they not hear you ask them to pick up their room, but manage to hear the rustle of a bag of chocolate chips through 4 walls and a closed door is astonishing!

You are just about to hop in the shower for a few brief moments of “you” time. Just as you get undressed and are about to step into the shower, the doorbell rings. Family has stopped in to say hi and of course your 5 year old has answered the door already having seen who was there.

Interruptions.

They are a part of life.

As I read the quote from Janet Erskine Stuart, I was struck by the phrase “God was watching over her stewardship.” It is my responsibility to take care of my family the best that I can. I make my plans. I try to keep my house clean. I try to put healthy, hearty food on the table to nourish my family. I try to teach my children throughout the day. I try to fit in time to work out. I try to find time to do my devotions and pray on a regular basis. I try to get enough sleep so that I don’t walk around like a zombie the next day… but what if I don’t view the interruptions as “plan ruiners” but rather as a way of letting God determine my stewardship. Maybe taking the time to read to my child is far more important in building a relationship with them than me trying to keep my sanity with a few moments of peace. Maybe having to fess up to sneaking a few chocolate chips gives me an opportunity to teach my children the importance of honesty and sharing. Maybe having to apologize and hang up the phone so I can patiently and lovingly correct my children is more important that trying to ask about a bill payment. Maybe that shower really isn’t as important as showing love and grace to a family member, or MAYBE that family member might just be YOUR saving grace and play with the kids so you CAN jump in the shower for a few moments without little people staring at you.

Maybe if we viewed each interruptions as God’s way of directing our stewardship, we would find ourselves more joyful. THAT moment is more important that what I WAS going to do. God brought that “interruption” into my life because that is what he wanted me to do/learn in that moment.

you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.”
James 4:14-15

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Every broken piece of me

Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you have it pulled together… until all of a sudden you don’t? That’s where I’m at right now.

This hunky man of mine underwent major surgery recently to remove a mass from his left ear. I thought I was strong. I held his hand as he was told the diagnosis and told him everything would be ok. As I waiting in the hospital for him to come out of surgery, I was strong. I smiled and told him he would do great as they wheeled him back for surgery. I laughed when he came out from anesthesia and made some silly remarks (I probably should have been recording him!). I drove him home with confidence knowing that we could do this. God was giving us strength to persevere.

And then… The kids were NOT excited to see us home. In fact, they wanted to go back to their grandparents’ house. (Can I blame them? Grandma and Grandpa’s house is fun!) There was a lot of crying. As I got them ready for bed, the toilet overflowed. As water went everywhere, I broke. Like really broke. I sobbed as I cleaned up the mess with a naked toddler crying because I hadn’t gotten her jammies on yet. I shrieked, “I don’t know what’s going on right now!” as my preschooler asked a million questions I couldn’t/didn’t feel like answering at that moment. My feet were soaked in toilet water, and I chose to focus on that rather than the look of bewilderment and sadness my preschooler had on his face.

But I got them all tucked into bed, held my son as he sobbed, and then collapsed on the couch. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and I didn’t even know it. With my mascara streaked face, I laid there and berated myself because I felt like I shouldn’t have broken down like that. My family needed me to be strong, and here I was adding to the chaos.

It all seems so silly when I say it out loud: the toilet overflowing, the dog puking all over the carpet, the toddler falling out of her crib for the first time, the emotionally tired kids crying and fighting more than usual, the dog cutting his foot and tracking blood across my white carpet. Oh, and don’t forget to mention being 30 weeks pregnant while potty training a toddler. Individually, it’s stuff I would normally shake off and just push through, but days like the past few days… it seems overwhelming.

I’m only human though. It’s a new day and I’m choosing to show myself a little grace. I might not be as strong as I thought… but God sure is! I’ll just rely on Him to carry me… every broken piece of me.

Thank goodness for forgiveness… from my great God and my amazing/patient family.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28

By the way, my husband will be OK! It was a major surgery that went very well. We are thankful for God’s leading hand in discovering the mass. Had this not been “randomly” (God knew!!) discovered at our family physician’s office, his life would have looked drastically different! It’s amazing how God cares for the sparrow and he cares for us!

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My Word of the Year 2018

As we are quickly approaching 2018 (3 hours and counting!), I find myself reminiscing about this past year. One year ago about this time, I was sicker than I had been in a very long time. It was a debilitating sickness that left me bedridden and unable to care for my family for almost two full weeks. It was during that time that I was able to really think about what I wanted 2017 to look like for me (I had nothing else to do but close my eyes and think! haha). I wanted my life to be filled with joy and thankfulness, so I chose to focus on the word “Eucharistio,” which in essence means “thanksgiving.”

Did I find myself more thankful this past year? If I’m honest with myself, I failed miserably. There are many moments that I look back on and think, “Why did I not have more perspective?” If I had just counted my blessings a little more, the moments where I lacked patience and understanding with my children may have been fewer and farther in between. If I had just looked up and thanked God for what he was doing in my life, rather than looking at the circumstances surrounding me, I may have faced some “challenges” with a smile rather than consternation.

But… I think about the miscarriage that I had in May and I realize that I WAS thankful. I was thankful for the little life that grew inside me for a few short weeks. I AM thankful that some day I will get to meet that sweet baby and walk the streets of gold with him/her.

There are distinct moments when eucharistio played an important part of my life… and I am thankful for 2017… and now for 2018!

This year, rather than focusing on one word, I am going to focus on MY WORDS.

Today I read James chapter 3 in my Bible and was really struck by it. If you have never read this chapter, it is all about your tongue and what you say. What really struck me wasn’t how important your words are… I think we can all agree that our words have a powerful impact on those around us. What struck me was that if you are able to control your tongue, you are able to have power over your whole body.

“If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.”
James 3:2

So reverse that… If you are unable to have control of your tongue, you aren’t in control over your whole body. Whoa. Talk about conviction. If I am unable to control the words that come out of my mouth, what other areas of my life am I not in control over? What other areas of my life are lacking?

James 3 talks about how our tongue is like the bit in a horses mouth. One small thing can control our whole body and turn us in different directions.

“A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.” 
Luke 6:45

What is inside of me is what is coming out of my mouth. Are my words loving? Are they kind? Are they compassionate? Are they judgmental? Are they bitter? Are they cutting? Are they healing? My words show what I am like… REALLY like… on the inside.

So how do I bridle my tongue? How do I control it? I can’t!

“But the tongue can no man tame.”
James 3:8

But God can.

How do we allow God to control our lives? How do we surrender every piece of ourselves to him? By being filled with HIM! If Christ is filling every crevice of our being, that is what will come out of our mouths… and I’m willing to bet our actions follow suit!

But how do we fill ourselves with Christ?

“Let the word of God dwell in you richly in all wisdom.”
Colossians 3:6

When we fill ourselves with his Word… he will give us wisdom. Isn’t wisdom what should direct our lives? There’s a whole book in the Bible dedicated to wisdom! It’s THAT important. It’s so important that James 1:8 tells us to ASK for wisdom if we are lacking it. It’s seems so simple: read your Bible and ASK for wisdom. But boy can it feel daunting!

As my husband reminds me often, “Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well.” (Philip Stanhope) And the rewards of wisdom are certainly worth the effort!

“But the wisdom which is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle and easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.”
James 3:17-18

Peace…

I feel like I’ve just reasoned out my new years resolution with you all. I want peace for 2018, and it all begins with my tongue.

Good bye 2017… I am thankful for you.

Hello 2018… I’m ready for a “peace” of you.

My Word of the Year 2017

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Finding hope after a miscarriage

my journey with

Finding Hope after a Miscarriage

On May 3, 2017, the Lord decided that our third child was too precious for this earth and took him home to be with him in Paradise. To think that the first thing my baby saw was the face of Jesus is too amazing for my feeble mind to comprehend. Selfishly, I wanted MY face to be the first thing he saw, but God’s plans are not my plans and HE knows best… though sometimes I cannot understand his ways.

It’s been two months since our baby was born in Heaven. In that time, I’ve mourned more than I ever thought possible and allowed my heart to break into a million pieces. Sometimes God needs our hearts to be shattered, so that he can put it back into a more God-shaped form… one that is bent towards Him.

During the remaking of my heart, God gave me exactly what I needed to start healing. As I sat in the nursery, gently rocking and engulfed in the early morning light, I stumbled across Psalm 30.

11 Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
12 To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee… Ok Lord. That is what you have for me. As I stared off into the distance, oblivious to what was around me, the wonderful truth began to settle into my soul. I do not need to know “why” this had to happen. God has given me MY reason. I know there are reasons beyond what my temporal mind can comprehend, but I know that MY reason is so that “my glory may sing praise to” HIM!

He is putting back together the pieces of my heart. There will forever be a little scar that is tender. Tender towards those who have suffered a miscarriage. Tender towards those who are hurting with unseen affliction. Tender to the pain in those around me. More… like… Christ.

singing praise... to the end

Today as I belt out the melody that is in my heart and I prance around my house like a no one is watching… I know that someone IS watching: the one who put that song there.

Even on my darkest day, I found my lips quietly uttering:

“When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul.”

Because HE has turned for me my mourning into dancing. HE has given me joy in the midst of unspeakable sorrow. He is my ROCK and I can “not be silent.”

I will “give thanks” to Him forever… I’m thankful for the life that grew inside of me. I’m thankful that my heart has become tenderer to the things that the Lord is tender towards. I’m thankful for the husband that held me through unspeakable pain. I’m thankful for the prayers of a little boy that we will “have another baby some day.” I’m thankful that Heaven just got a little sweeter.

As Elisabeth Elliot so eloquently put it, “ Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next.”

To think… some day, I will get to hold that sweet little baby. Some day just can’t come soon enough!

“ Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next.”

Looking for something specific? Look here!
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The Velveteen Mama

If you had asked 6 year old Shanda, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” She would have responded in innocent anticipation, “A mommy.”

There are many noble aspirations for a little 6 year old girl, but to THIS little girl there was nothing more special than being a mom. Perhaps it was because I had such a wonderful example of what a mother should be. Perhaps it was the natural mothering instinct that was built into my very fiber. Perhaps it was the sight of sweet babies that made me want to hold one of my own some day. Whatever it was, I KNEW that was my calling in life.

I’m sure there were other careers that I took a look at over the years. I seem to remember wanting to be scientist at one point while I was mixing equal parts shampoo, conditioner and body wash in the bath tub trying to come up with the perfect smell, but that aspiration quickly passed when I discovered the final results. haha!!

After meeting my wonderful husband and having many fun years just the two of us… and many hard years of just the two of us WISHING for a baby…. we were finally blessed with a bundle of joy! Now 4 years into this motherhood journey and two babies later, I can say that I LOVE being a mom.

But…

Somedays are hard. In fact, I should say every day is hard… because I’m working hard at this mom thing! I’m working hard to be present every…single…day. I’m working hard to speak lovingly when inside I’m frustrated and discouraged. I’m working hard to provide for the every need of my two beautiful children.

And at the end of the day… sometimes I feel over touched, emotionally tired, and spiritually drained as I need desperately to refill my cup with my loving Father so that I can be a loving mother the next day.

Over the past 4 years, I have read the story the Velveteen Rabbit many, many times… and boy do I feel like the Velveteen Rabbit some days. I feel like a little bit of my stuffing is coming out of the seems when my child squeezes me tightly. I feel like I’m coming a little unraveled as I’m dealing with a crying baby and I’m not sure how to meet her need but also knowing that I’m the one who knows best HOW to meet that need. I feel like my skin is a little sallow as I see the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and up-all-nighters.

But as these sweet babies rub me a little thin, I find myself becoming a little more Real.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’ 

The Velveteen Rabbit

These sweet babies are teaching me what it is to have a REAL relationship with God. The kind of relationship that makes me get on my knees and beg for strength because I can’t do it on my own. They teach me what REAL love is… unconditional love. The kind of love that pokes me in the tummy with their stubby finger and says, “Mommy I just love your squishy tummy!” They teach me what it is to REALLY love myself… all of me. Even the parts of me that need work. I want to make myself better for them, for God, and for my husband.

Over time being a mommy is shaping me. It’s rubbing away my selfishness and pride. Each day that I lose a little bit of me, I gain more of HIM.

I am a Velveteen Mommy and I’m becoming more REAL… more like the heavenly Father and SOMEDAY when I meet him in Heaven, I will be fully transformed into who He would have me to be.

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